When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch
positions with each other so there are still two of you in my way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. All
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing your
paw print in the middle of MY plate and food does not stake a claim making
it YOUR plate and food.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help in your
quest to reach the bottom first, because I fall faster than you can
run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think that I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is
not necessary to sleep perpendicular to one another, stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out
and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is
nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge of the door and try to pull it open. I must exit through
the same door I entered. Honest.

Also, I have been using the bathroom by myself for quite some time --
canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
I can't stress this one enough -- kiss me, THEN go smell the other
dog's/cat's behind.